Medication Feelings

 Maybe I’m not a constant fuck up? 

Every time I run out of my meds I feel ashamed. I think that it’s my fault for being careless and disorganised, for not looking after myself properly, for not prioritising the right things, and then also for expecting other people to help clean up my mess. I feel bad for having to go and get extra meds to top up because my prescription isn’t ready yet, even though I pay extra for it. I feel bad for wasting the pharmacists time. I feel inadequate for not being able to get my shit together. I feel bad when my partner goes to pick them up for me because I feel too sick to go myself. I feel bad that even missing one sends me spiralling because I’m on such a high dosage that the withdrawal kicks in the next day. I feel bad that I can’t do the things I can on my meds, and bad that I also take time to recover after I’m back on them. I feel bad for being emotional and feeling extra crazy and like I’m a burden on my partner. I feel bad about myself because I couldn’t get the medication I need and so I get worse. You know, like there is a goddamn reason I’m on this medication in the first place? 

Today was that day. I felt too ashamed to ask my partner to go get it for me because of the extra hassle for him, even though I know the longer I’m off it the worse it gets. Fortunately for me, he offered, because he doesn’t see me as the burden I see myself as. He sees me as his wonderful partner who needs his help, which he is happy to give, because that’s what you do for those you love. He sees me as someone who contributes equally to our relationship, not exactly the same way, but equal in value. Is it convenient? Nope. Does he just fucking love going to the pharmacy? Nope! But he loves me, and he recognises that doing this frees me up to do other, much more useful things for us both, instead of spending all my energy doing one thing and the rest of the day being a write off. So he goes, and he doesn’t guilt trip me or make out I’m stupid or lazy or careless or selfish, he just goes. And sometimes, he even brings me back pastry. 

Today, alongside all the usual trauma based childhood bullshit my brain was throwing at me, another voice came through too. I call this the therapy voice, not my actual therapists voice (though she is an absolute queen) but my own voice, soften and rationalised by therapy, which gently says to me ‘Hey. Maybe this isn’t your fault. Let me tell you why.’ Firstly, I’m on a strong dose of an SSRI called Sertraline, 200mg a day, which is high enough to freak out new doctors before my eyes, so it’s pretty damn important I stay on it. The thing is, it’s been prescribed to me as 28 doses a month, in two packets, 100mg per tablet. So basically every single month, I have a repeat prescription for 28 days worth of the very strong medication I take daily. That means that I only actually have enough medication for a full calendar month in February once every 4 years. Why is this? I have no fucking idea. There’s probably a reason which makes perfect sense to the GP or the pharmacy, but for me, the patient, this is problem. I have to order the repeat prescription every month, which I can now do through the NHS app, 7-10 days before I need it. I am also not to order more than I need. Ok so 7-10 days? Which one? I am three days over or under? I mean this is literally impossible to do correctly unless you are telepathic or presumably have a special deal with one of the pharmacists. (Mental note: find out which baked goods I can trade for inside info, blonde pharmacist seems like a lemon drizzle type…) My poor addled brain is unable to remember this on its own, and calendars are not much use, as a repeat remainder on my calendar for the same date every month means that I am either two or three days out every time. This has meant that I run out of my medication at least 3-4 times per year, depending on the exact combination of batshit crazy days added or subtracted to the order time, wait time, or pick up time. For something I need. Every damn day. 

So perhaps I’m not actually to blame for this merry go round of fuck-uppery. Perhaps it could be that the systems in place which allow me access to my medication are flawed. Maybe repeat prescriptions could be flagged to repeat automatically on the system the doctor uses, so that they check it when required, rather than the patient doing it manually each time I’ve also had some pharmacies do this for me but not every one does, and it still requires an extra bit of admin.) Maybe my prescription could be altered to 30 days of doses, so that I might only end up one day out instead of two or three? Maybe 7-10 days before you run out is kind of unreasonable for something you need? Maybe posting medication to patients could be free as standard? 

All these things are actually accessibility barriers to healthcare for people who, by and large, are disabled by both their health issues and by the system they rely on to support them. Keep them safe. Keep them alive. Maybe it’s not our fault. Maybe it’s the institutions and systems we depend on which need to be better.