What is Self Care?

Ok, so contrary to this picture, self care is not actually all bubble baths and chocolate, but it also is bubble baths and chocolate...  

Let me explain. 

The theory of self care I subscribe to is one defined by the wonderful radical feminist writer Audre Lorde;

“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence...It is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” 

In the context Lorde was describing, self-care meant doing what was necessary for her to survive in a society which treated her like she didn't matter at best, and shouldn't exist at worst. As a black lesbian feminist in an inter-racial relationship, disabled by multiple cancers, she was at the sharp end of multiple oppressions and disadvantages. Ensuring that she cared for herself meant she was able to survive and continue her work in trying to dismantle the systems and institutions which made simply existing a struggle. Self-care in this context is about survival.

This concept has also been mused over and interpreted within feminism as a rejection of the gendered caring role that our society expects women to perform, often to their own detriment. Being a 'good woman' in a patriarchal society means being a caregiver, being selfless, sacrificing your needs to meet the needs of others, and doing it all with a smile on your face, the only reward being the happiness of those in your care. We're in Stepford Wife territory here. But the idea of sacrifice for the good of others is pervasive even among radical groups fighting for equality, because we are still expected to sacrifice ourselves for the good of the community. There are religious undertones in some of this, political in others, and a mixture in many. Because we live in a capitalist, individualistic society where many social evils happen for the benefit of a small number of individuals at the fatal expense of everyone else, the idea of sacrificing your needs for the good of an oppressed group feels like the opposite. But when you are already facing the consequences of being told that as a group, you don't matter, it also means you are being told that as an individual you don't matter. If you face multiple oppressions, the cumulative effect of this is devastating to your wellbeing and ability to survive. Part of how we internalise oppression is shifting the reason we are self-sacrificing, but not shedding the idea that we ought to self sacrifice. It takes another step in our consciousness to acknowledge that we have the right to exist in a way that is not fundamentally for others. That we can believe that you matter, and so do I. That my wellbeing and your wellbeing are of equal value.

Actually enacting this when we still face outside oppression and disadvantage is very difficult. One of the ways we can do it as individuals is to value our wellbeing as a part of valuing our community, enacting self-care so we can fight for equality, but also fighting for equality so we can self-care. My main introduction and exploration of this is through my experience with mental illness. In the context of mental illness, self-care at its most fundamental stage is ensuring you make it through the Bad Days, in order to do the difficult psychological work that leads to more Good Days. This is intrinsically linked to the fight for equality in general, because mental illness is disabling, and because the more oppression and disadvantage we face, the more likely we are to become mentally ill. It isn't too much of a surprise to find that the people who society tells are worthless and are facing the most difficult circumstances are susceptible to mental illnesses that thrive on low self worth.

So for me, and a lot of my work, self care means; what are the most basic things we need to survive? When it's a really Bad Day, and we are exhausted from battling our own minds as well as society as a whole, and we need to strip everything down to our basic needs, we can look to a rough version of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. What are the foundations of our needs as human beings? What can we control? His hierachy goes from physilogical needs at the bottom of the pyramid, such as food, water, sleep, then shelter and safety, through to psychological needs like love and belonging, to self esteem, hopefully resulting in 'self-actualisation' - feeling fulfilled as a human being. The general idea is that we need to ensure physiological needs are met before we can meet psychological ones and then acheive fulfillment.

However, further research, especially on the lived experience of those who face challenging cicumstances like war and conflict, have created a less linear and hierarchical theory, with more nuance and complexity. In Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E Frankl, Frankl describes his experience in Auchwitz as one of suffering hardships both physically and psychologically, but that the psychological resilience that came from a sense of purpose, along with the care shown by others, often enabled people to survive, despite being physically fragile. It was retaining a sense of purpose and the ability to care and be cared for which often kept people from giving up and succumbing to the brutality of the concentration camp. That's not to say that we can just 'think positively' and survive physical and psychological deprivation and abuse. Instead, it means that we need to re-think the importance of a sense of purpose, love and self-worth as part of the foundation of our wellbeing, not something to be achieved after physiological needs are met.

What this means for our own enactment of self care is thinking about the things we can reasonably do to fulfill our basic physiological and psychological needs when we are at our lowest ebb. The way I think of it is to prioritise food, drink, sleep, washing and love. Sounds cheesy I know! But a sense of connection with others, belonging, community and being cared for are just as vital for our wellbeing. On a Bad Day, we can give ourselves these vital things by reaching out to loved ones, charities, and groups who experience something similar. We can keep and re-read notes or messages of support from loved ones that we already have to remind ourselves we are loved and worthy of love. When I feel a bit lost and lacking a sense of purpose, I often go through the reviews and messages I get from customers, and that really helps me realise what I do matters, even though in face of the world's problems it feels small, to someone else, it was important (If you are one of those people thank you!)     

The world is scary. It's particularly intense at the moment, and we are all, for many reasons, feeling overwhelmed and emotional and vulnerable. It's ok not to be ok, to sit with your feelings, to rest, and to give yourself space to heal before emerging again. Making the world a better place takes sustainable, long term personal and society wide work. None of us can do that if we don't practice self care.